So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I FOUND THE LEGS
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
This can only be settled by a dance off.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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