I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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