where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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