My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize