i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
