Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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