She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
