If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Girls should come with a carfax report
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
