I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
