I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize