im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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