So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
