my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
