She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
