I have demons in me.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Everything about him screamed your future.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
