did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
COCAINE IS GR8
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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