Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
