Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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