I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
