I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize