We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
