she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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