I faked an abortion last night.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
