Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
