there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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