I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
