is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
