I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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