My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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