I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
There's always time for handjobs
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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