seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
