I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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