What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
