May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he thought i was a dude.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Rumble strips road head = magical
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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