you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
