I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
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