bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
