im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
