Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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