WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My hand turned me down
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
