oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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