I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
what day is it and did you see me today?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
