I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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