Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
