went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
