Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
