Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
