it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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