You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
