Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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