Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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