So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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