I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
