If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
