Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize