omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
