Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
