I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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