my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
my liver is dry heaving
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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