why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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