One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
