yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
