I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
