he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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