If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
