Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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