So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
