and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
